Friendship or Favour? When gift-giving goes too far.
When my daughter was 8, there was a month when I remember her coming home from school every day saying, “I need gifts for my friends”. It started as little handwritten notes, but over time I noticed the gift requests became more elaborate. Gift giving is certainly one of her love languages and I could see she was getting a buzz out of offering her kindness in this way, so I let her.
But one day, when she told me she had to buy them Legami and seemed visibly stressed, I noticed a red flag waving in my face. I gently asked her, “what do you think might happen if you don’t give them the gifts?” and she said, “they wont be my friends mama”.
That conversation made me pause and look deeper into this —why do preteens give gifts in friendships? Let’s unpack it.
Why preteens give gifts in friendships
Gift-giving isn’t all bad—and actually can be an important part of friendships, especially for girls. Here’s why preteens might do it:
It’s a way to express care. Some kids genuinely love giving! A small drawing, a meaningful note, or a cool rock from the beach—it’s their way of saying, “You matter to me.”
It helps strengthen bonds. Think of friendship bracelets or matching keychains. These little objects symbolize closeness and shared experiences.
It can help us celebrate our friends: Even without a specific occasion, preteens may give gifts to celebrate their friend’s achievements like finishing their dance recital or giving that difficult speech!
When gift-giving gets problematic
Giving should feel good, not like an obligation. But sometimes, it crosses into tricky territory:
Feeling like you have to give to stay in a friendship. If someone expects a gift just to keep being your friend, that’s a red flag.
Unequal giving. One person always gives more, while the other rarely reciprocates—or only does so when pressured.
Conditional friendships. A friend is only kind when they’re receiving something. Without gifts, the connection disappears.
Expensive expectations. The pressure to buy trendy or pricey gifts just to “keep up” can make friendships feel more like transactions.
One thing we often see in these cases is the emotional toll it is having on our girls. In the case of my daughter I started to see her question whether the gifts were “good enough” or even whether she was good enough for the group. She swung between feeling used and feeling valued, which is something I’ve observed in many girls over the years.
Gift-giving in older teens
As preteens grow into teens, gift-giving often takes on more complex forms, such as:
Bringing food to school. Feeling like they have to bring extra snacks or lunch for a friend.
Lending or giving money. Where one person is always covering for the other.
Sharing clothes or accessories. Whether it’s lending hoodies, letting a friend keep a favorite item, or feeling obligated to share.
Buying event tickets or gifts. Feeling a pressure to pay for concert tickets, birthday presents, or trendy items to fit in or maintain friendships.
What preteens and teens can do instead
None of our girls should feel like they have to “earn” friendships by giving stuff. Real friends like you for who you are, not what you can give and that is a lesson that is so important to help our girls learn now, in the preteen years.
So, what can our preteens and teens do instead?
Do a check-in. Ask them, “how do you feel before and after you give them a gift?” and “What would happen if you didn’t give the gift?” Giving should come from the heart, not from pressure. If it feels one-sided and obligated, it can be exhausting and stressful.
Switch to acts of kindness. Encourage her to focus on non-material ways to show she cares, like listening, including someone in a game, or standing up for a friend. These actions often mean more than any gift.
Offer shared experiences. Making memories—whether through sleepovers, inside jokes, or fun adventures—builds friendships way more than any store-bought item. If she offers to spend more time together and friends decline it’s a red-flag that you can talk with her about. Perhaps there is another blooming friendship she can pivot towards and invite!
Setting boundaries. It’s okay to say no to giving when it doesn’t feel right. A real friend will respect that. Help her find the right words to try. e.g. “I am going to take a break from bringing in gifts; I would like to hang out more instead”.
Talk about recognising true friends. The best friendships aren’t built on things—they’re built on trust, laughter, and just being there for each other.
If your daughter has been in this situation, know that she’s not alone. Gift-giving in friendships is common, but it doesn’t have to come with stress. When my daughter started to realise she didn’t need to give to be liked, she found friendships that felt better—and ultimately that’s what we want for all our girls.
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If you are looking for a resource to help your daughter reflect and build skills check out "The Preteen Friendship Journal".
In this specially crafted journal girls learn the different stages in friendship such as meeting friends, investing in friends, navigating challenges and, on occasion, pivoting in friendships. Each section has real life challenges - including FOMO and social media - to help girls reflect, learn tips and feel empowered to choose their own path.